3 Steps to Manage Emotions During Divorce, Separation or Break-Up.
Managing emotions during a divorce or breakup can be crucial, given that it ranks as the second most stressful life event according to the Holmes and Rahe Stress Scale. Handling the often overwhelming feelings that accompany a divorce, separation, or breakup is essential for navigating this challenging period.
From personal experience, I understand that no matter how prepared or resilient you think you are, moving on from a breakup can be extremely tough. I delve into this topic extensively in my book, 'How Did I Get Here?', which I recommend if you're struggling with this issue.
What was crucial for me was to maintain my dignity and not allow myself to become like the many people I had seen lose their self-respect.
Growing up, I witnessed my parents letting their emotions overwhelm them, to the point where I felt their divorce consumed our family for most of my life. Determined not to let this be my children's story, even though they were adults when I divorced, I was eager to heal myself.
I wanted to move forward in life without carrying my divorce with me—not just for myself but for my family.
This is why I believe that receiving proper support during a breakup is so important. We must heal ourselves to move onto the next chapter of life, free from the past. Yes, learn the lessons, but do not carry the burden of the experience forward because nobody gains from that!
Before diving into the three steps you can start taking today to manage these difficult emotions, let's consider why divorce and breakups are so challenging.
Let’s begin by acknowledging that relationships, especially romantic ones, are central to our lives. We invest significant time, energy, and emotion into them. This topic is extensive and is thoroughly explored in my book. Relationships are where we are most vulnerable, where we expose our true selves, seeking love, intimacy, companionship, unconditional support, and close friendship—expectations we often place on our partners.
So, when these foundations crumble, it's natural to feel as though your world is falling apart.
In my work with individuals affected by divorce, separation or a breakup, I guide them towards rebuilding their lives on their terms and emphasise three key principles:
STOP!
Learning how to create space between our emotions and our reactions is crucial during a breakup.
Our emotions can be so intense that it becomes challenging not to act impulsively on them. However, responding to situations purely based on strong emotions often leads to outcomes that are not in line with our intentions.
In practical terms, our emotions do not always serve as reliable guides to what is best for us. While they can signal when something is right, it's beneficial to step back and allow our emotions time to settle. This approach positions us better to make rational decisions or act from a more composed state.
For instance, when overwhelmed by anger—a potent emotion triggered by feelings of disappointment, hurt, or betrayal—the immediate impulse might be to lash out at the source of pain. Yet, if you've acted on anger before, you likely regretted it afterward, right?
Therefore, step one is to STOP!
Pause, refrain from taking action, and give the anger time to dissolve, which it will.
Reacting with anger only fuels the fire, intensifying the emotional heat. As Buddha once said,
"You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger."
Just in case you are interested, the antidote for anger in Buddhism is compassion and understanding. The Buddha taught that anger can never resolve anger; it only leads to more anger. By practising understanding and compassion, you can heal yourself and positively influence those around you who are affected by your current state. However, I am under no illusion that doing this during the hurricane of divorce, separation, or breakup is easy.
So, we start with this simple task—Just Stop!
Taking steps to distance yourself from anger or similarly strong emotions is a powerful act of self-empowerment!
To help with this, I've created a short, simple, self-compassion meditation that you can download here. Use it whenever you feel overwhelmed by emotions.
Break The Habit
I know referring to your relationship as a habit might not be something you’ve thought about before, but most of our daily lives operate on habit. In other words, when we are in our familiar environment and routine, we tend to operate on autopilot. Being on autopilot is essentially what a habit is—it's doing something or thinking a certain way without thinking about it.
So, the second step is to start breaking these habits to rewire your brain.
Let me explain.
During my divorce, after being married for thirty years, I found sleeping alone extremely difficult. Not because I was scared or needed someone next to me, but simply because I had become so accustomed to that sleeping arrangement; I didn’t know anything else. It took me a long time to stretch beyond my side of the bed!
Then there are other habits, like calling the same person first with good or bad news, making coffee for two, and so on.
The only solution is to start doing things differently. Initially, you have to consciously stop and think about it, but over time, these old habits begin to weaken, and are replaced with new ones.
It's commonly advised that during a divorce or breakup, especially at the beginning, you should have minimal or no contact, except when absolutely necessary.
Many people believe they can remain friends with their ex, and while that may eventually be possible, it might not be feasible initially. It wasn't right for me, so I completely stopped communicating with my ex-husband. I even changed his name in my phone to avoid seeing it whenever I checked my phone, which gave me time to redefine our relationship. Now, we can talk without the old baggage, but we are not friends because we no longer have anything in common, which is likely why we ended up divorcing in the first place.
Take some time to reflect on your old life and identify areas where you can make changes. By breaking those old habits and developing new ones, you'll be able to create a new life that is free from the past. If you need support with this process, consider exploring 'The Break Up,' an eight-week programme I created specifically to help you through this process.
Change the Story!
Perhaps the most transformative step you can take is to shift your perspective from viewing this as an ending to embracing it as a new beginning.
You may not see it clearly right now, but based on my experience and the people I've worked with over the years, it is often these traumatic life events that wake us up to live the rest of our lives more authentically.
In my book, I share my personal story and the stories of individuals who have influenced me and whom I've guided through divorce, separation, breakup, and even cancer. In each case, it's evident that while these events can be shattering, they can also serve as catalysts for a significantly happier life.
The sooner you can envision the life ahead of you as one where you're free to pursue all the things you may have put on hold during your relationship, the sooner you will heal.
Practical constraints may prevent you from taking drastic steps like travelling to Nepal and living in a Buddhist monastery like I did, but even small steps toward the life you dream of can propel you forward. Over time, these small steps can lead you to become the person you've always wanted to be.
We can view our breakup as the end or as a new beginning—the choice is ours to make.
If this resonates with you and you have unfulfilled dreams or are committed to turning your divorce, separation, or breakup into the best thing that ever happened to you, consider booking a complimentary coaching session with me to get started!
To summarise, here are the 3 Steps to Manage Emotions During Divorce or Breakup:
Stop!
Break the Habit
Change the Story.
And remember the three ways I can support you in this journey:
Download Self-Compassion Meditation.
Explore 'The Break Up' programme.
Book a Complimentary Coaching Session.
I wish you a future filled with joy and happiness because you deserve it!